Friday, March 28, 2008

The Dentist

Throughout my journey in life, I have encountered many situations and experiences that have made me uncomfortable. Over the years, I have learned to work through a lot of them and now they just simply don't phase me. However, going to the damn dentist is not one of them. Let me be completely clear......I HATE THE FREAKING DENTIST. I don't have anything against him personally, I just don't want anybody sticking their freakin' miscellaneous items in my mouth. Seriously....hooks, scrapers, water picks, plaque removers, that little spinning thing that they put the sandpaper toothpaste on, jaw props, anything with suction, fingers, thumbs, entire fists or whatever.....I really don't want it in my mouth. Some people have fear of heights, or flying, or getting in elevators. I am ok with all of that.....I just really don't want you to insert anything close to my lips, my gums, my teeth, or as my fifth grade teacher called it, my biscuit trap. Now, I realize it is a necessary evil. And yes, I do like having teeth. But come on..... I would honestly rather you wax my entire body. I just assume stick my tongue to a frozen pole. Or go ahead and yank off a toenail with a pair of pliers. But please dont make me lay back in the chair with the bright light and hear the wonderful noises of grinding and the smell of smoke.

This is how bad I despise it......I had not been to the dentist in almost 15 years. That changed last year when my lovely wife talked me into going. She has a high school friend whose name is Matt McCracken who had become a dentist in town. She begged me to go. I agreed to, but only if they gave me the gas and they promised me I would be passed out and incoherent for the entire ordeal. Of course that didn't happen. They didn't even put me in a room that had the gas. However, they knew I was serious when I got out of the chair complete with the bib on and all of the cleaning tools were flying across the room. After Matt settled me down, they offered to give me injections to deaden everything as if i was about to get fillings. I accepted and for the first time in 15 years, I got my teeth cleaned. And after all that time, I only had two cavities, and two areas he wanted to keep an "eye" on.

What brought on this rant? Last week, I was enjoying my evening cereal when something got lodged in between two of my teeth. After i flossed it out, I noticed that I had hard white bits of something coming out of my mouth. I figured that surely it wasn't pieces of tooth. After five days of moderate pain, I knew I had to go to the damn dentist. Long story was a chipped tooth next to a cavity that was catching food and inflaming my gums. Two hours of drilling later, I have new fillings. Now, please explain to me how after 15 years of no problems I go to the dentist and start experiencing issues. You are right.... there is no logical explanation. Ok....I feel better now. If you need a dentist in Tuscaloosa, I do recommend Dr. McCracken at Dentalworks. I just hope you don't see me there.

Below is the Dentist song, complete with the drilling and the smoke. It is performed by Steve Martin and is from the movie "Little Shop of Horrors." Until my next rant........

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